it’s been a while. i have a list of excuses as to why i haven’t kept up with this tumblr. all are the usual reasons that i don’t do something (working 70 hours a week. exhaustion from work. no time. no inspiration) that all sound ridiculous, especially when i say them out loud. i’d like to say i will keep up, but with no gun pointed to my head i can’t make any promises. i have noticed that my day-to-day vocabulary has dwindled and i think a lot of that has to do with my lack of writing. so here’s what’s been going on with me, in so many words.
last night i had the first good long unsolicited cry i’ve had in a long time. i know what sparked it. and i hate that it’s something that i still haven’t “gotten over.” how do you fully repair a broken heart. i’ve regained a strong friendship. and that’s what i’ve been thankful for. but now that he’s happy and i’m somehow resorting to early 20s tendencies of engaging in short term flings and lusts, i couldn’t help but sob and wonder if i’ll ever be enough. even crying i was harassing myself. “enough. pretty enough. smart enough. passionate enough. fuck, why do you ever just want to be enough for someone?! don’t you want to be more than enough?” etc. etc. i’ll be turning 25 in a week or so. and i by no means wish i had an engagement ring. i guess i can’t shake my jealous tendencies. i see such strong and beautiful relationships. i guess i just want the chance to fight in one, for someone. it was a silly cry. i knew that in the moment and i definitely know that now. but a cry is always a good thing, in my opinion. get out that which i’ve been suppressing. even if it is bullshit.
i need to stop cursing.
i’ve changed a lot in the past 8 months. a breakup will do that to me. i get to reassess what my motivations are. what bad habits can be turned into good ones. i’ve done just that. i started juicing. i started exercising. walking when driving deems itself unnecessary. i feel great in all aspects. i’ve lost 20 pounds. i got a tattoo that i won’t ever regret. when someone asks, i say i’m doing great - because i truly am. now, if only i could conquer saving money.
i have lost sight of my ambitions, though. the same excuses above apply, unfortunately. but after being strong armed into signing a 12 month lease at the apartment that i’ve lived at for 4 years - going month to month a year after i moved in - i thought maybe a year is a good timeline to get my shit together and start planning my move again. for a while there i just stopped thinking about it. i was content. i had anchors… i always will. this is my hometown. now i realize that anchors rust. and a move will do me good. i have to swallow, suffocate, ignore the fears (no family, no close friends. no job lined up. higher cost of living. no health insurance. blahblahla) and just move forward. a trip is required. a week, maybe two to scout like i did three years ago. start connecting with the people i do know out there and take whatever advice they have to offer.
my life is good here. my jobs are outstanding. my friends are dear. and my parents are incredibly close and helpful. but i can’t let any of those things keep me here. they will remain constant. i must be the one to change.